Support Circles

My mom has learned about the importance of building a support circle for me some time ago. She thinks about it a lot, but has not taken any action yet. Reaping the benefits of a few not so good nights, she finished reading a book called "We Come Bearing Gifts" by Janet Klees.

The book lists some barriers to creating support circles:

* reluctance to ask people to become involved - we feel like we are asking a lot of the time any ways and this is just one more time commitment,

* uncertainty with just exactly what we were asking people to do or to get involved in,

* discomfort with taking charge of the group itself, or uncertainty about who should or would do so,

* some previous uncomfortable or unpleasant experiences in a support group,

* not convinced of the value of support groups,

* having trouble keeping the circle energized,

* having trouble hearing everyone's voice - facilitating the conversation well,

* finding a common time that is convenient to all of the busy members,

* having a sufficiently important reason to call people together.

Some of the above are true for my mom, not all. But, the main challenge for my mom is that she is constantly overwhelmed with the affairs at hand that she does not have the energy and time to devote to starting a support circle. There is always one crisis after another that she needs to deal with.

I am lacking in meaningful relationships with others. This makes me very vulnerable. This book describes helping the individual to connect to the community by facilitating the development of friendships as one of the most important responsibilities of the paid support worker. Caregiving and companionship roles are necessary, but are of less importance. The book suggests that paid supporters should evaluate themselves from time to time by asking the following question:

If I had to leave the country next week and not be able to continue to support this person at all. WHAT WILL I HAVE LEFT BEHIND? Will I leave behind only a good memory in his mind of someone who appeared on the scene and was fun to be with for awhile . . . or will I manage to leave behind something more lasting that continues to make an impact on his life for a long time to come (like: connecting him with a new friend, finding and supporting him in a volunteer position where his gifts are welcomed, or figuring out a business where he is truly involved and the central figure?)

What really strikes a chord for my mom is:

As human beings, we get tired. Families, especially those whose sons or daughters with the greatest support requirements, have maintained many hours a week of physical care and support for their children, including often the general running of a second home. In addition, all families are the main coordinators for scheduling, arranging, filling in and guidance of both paid and informal support persons. This is not only physically and emotionally draining, but continually provides food for the ongoing worries about "what happens when I am no longer here?".